The Daily Republic Guestbook

If you would like to comment on mom, please leave them here (you can comment on any of my posts of this blog) or go to:

http://legacy.com/dailyrepublic/Guestbook.asp?Page=Entry&PersonID=2942301

...and leave a comment.
You can also get to the Daily Republic guestbook by going to dailyrepublic.com and following the "obits" link and then publish dates of Monday, 20 Dec or Tuesday, 21 Dec and then click on the guestbook link.

Smiles,

Brian

Thankfully Busy

Thanks to Christmas, I have been thankfully busy. Not busy enough to forget our loss, but busy enough not to dwell on it. There have been moments, though. I was watching Fox news and the guy who was doing the news said, "...and this being the first Christmas without our beloved mother, our celebrations are somewhat muted..." Well, that teared me up a bit. It suddenly dawned on me to put a photo of mom on our Christmas tree. So I took my favorite photo of mom and put it almost on the top.

As far as missing her for these holidays, I'm recalling that I had a miserable Thanksgiving this last time because we usually "stole" mom from the rest of the family and had her over for the day. And, God, how I loved having her over for Thanksgiving. It had become rare to get her out at all in the last few years. The last time we were able to have her over was two years ago in Vacaville. I think that all mom really wanted to do was have some turkey and talk to our cats. She would eat, talk to the cats and then fall asleep for awhile. But we (myself, Laura, Greg & Beth) felt good having her here. I know the kids will remember those times with her. Even though she was in a wheelchair, she was still that little girl trying to have fun. And to remember how she managed to have fun and enjoy moments is something we all will need to remember when we're older...Duh!...forgive me if that sounds obvious, but I'm just starting to connect-the-dots on some of these things.

I wish she could have come over to her house just once more. I told her I would take care of this house for her, but I wanted her to see what we were doing. That, in itself, may be a fatal flaw in my reasoning, because she probably would be so frustrated that she couldn't do it herself. She had such plans and schemes. Every scheme involved tomato plants, green peppers, whiskey barrels and herbs. But, like the rest of us, we sometimes fall short of being able to accomplish everything we want to do. I was able to create this massive veggie garden a few years ago, but since lacked the time and energy to do that again on that scale. She, in her walker, still loved to muck around barefoot picking beans or squash. Even in the mud!! Mom was still an island girl and she told me that one of her favorite things to do was squish around in the mud and dirt in her bare feet. (Insert smile here). Once she wasn't able to do that around her house, I guess there couldn't have been much more to live for as far she was concerned.

I still remember when we moved into this place back in '64 mom. I remember planting the Zinnias(sp) and Marigolds in the spring. I remember the smell of the flowers and the dirt on the hot summer days. The flowers will return to the front yard so I can remember you and those times, mom.

The Obit

Mom's obituary was in the Daily Republic on Monday, December 20th, page A4. Here is the obit in it's entirety with no comments.

Ida Mae McQuaig
April 24, 1916 - Dec. 16, 2004

Ida Mae McQuaig died in Sonoma Dec. 16, 2004.

Loving mother of Barbara Norman of Petaluma, Raymond Kaliski and Robert Kaliski of Mill Valley, Alan Young of Atlanta and Brian McQuaig of Fairfield. Dear grandmother of Melanie Mitchell, Kristin Dansie, Jaime Norman, Patrick Kaliski, Michael Kaliski, Eileen, Bridget, Beth and Gregory. Great grandmother to eight. She is survived by her best friend Lorraine Norcross of Fairfield and her loyal pets Popoki and Angel.

Ida Mae was born April 24, 1916 in Kauai, Hawaii. She worked as a stenographer at Travis Air Force Base for more than 30 years and enjoyed trips to Reno and Lake Tahoe.

As per her wishes, there will not be a service. Private inurnment will be in Kauai, Hawaii at a later date.

Memorial contributions may be made to your local humane society in memory of Ida Mae.

Arrangements are under the direction of Parent-Sorensen Mortuary & Crematory, 763-4131.

Visit our guestbook: www.dailyrepublic.net

Dignity

Just one quick word I hope all of you will remember the next time you see someone (young or old) in a wheelchair or walker:

Old age takes its toll physically; that is to be sure. There comes a point when someone requires help to go to the bathroom or to shower or to dress or to do any number of everyday tasks we take for granted. Just remember that when folks have to rely on someone else to do the everyday things...when they can no longer drive...when they can't get on the bus and go to Reno any more...when they can't take a shower without help...when they fall in the kitchen and can't move...they begin to lose the one thing that ever mattered in their lives: their dignity. Knowing about this massive assault on a person's dignity should meter how you treat them as people.

Saying Thanks

Laura and I went back to Sonoma this afternoon. I wanted to say, "Thank you" to the workers that have helped take care of my mom for the past several months. I had dropped off flowers for the staff the day mom died, but could only get out, "These flowers are for all of you." before I rushed out of the building too choked up to talk.

So, I went back today and saw the nurse that helped me make mom more comfortable the afternoon before she passed. I hugged her and thanked her for taking care of mom. She tracked down Juan, the orderly. Juan is a tireless and cheerful guy. His daughter was born on mom's birthday. Mom couldn't pronounce Juan's daughter's name, so she called her "Juanita". It was an honor to shake Juan's hand. I started getting a bit misty...can't seem to help it. Anyway, I asked them both to pass on my thanks to everyone else who worked with mom and I made a bee-line for the door. I took a short walk in the park next door to compose myself and then jumped in the car to go to Barb's house. She had more pictures; mom's cats & dogs, my mother's mother Louise (who I knew as Nana) and a beautiful picture of my mother that if memory serves was taken when she was 18; my favorite picture of mom!

One more word about the folks who work at the Sonoma rest home: They have not always been perfect in their care. Sometimes specific instructions for my mother got mixed up. Whenever they made an error, they did their best to quickly correct it. The entire staff have one hell of a difficult job. Mom was one of the luckier ones with most of her faculties intact. The staff there have to take care of some very delicate old folks. They clean them up when they go to the bathroom. They comfort them when they are in pain. They feed them; most of them with special diet needs, like mom. I have learned that growing very old is a very messy business and there are very few people that can handle the stress and physical aspects of that job. Having had just a taste of it with mom, it was not the most pleasant thing I've ever done. I'm just glad mom was taken care of by quality people who cared about the job they did and the people they cared for. I really respect those folks!

Thanks, Dad

My father-in-law just gave me a call to pass on his condolences. He'd read this blog and he just called to tell me how sorry he was for my loss. Thank you, Harold. If I sounded like an idiot on the phone, it was because your thoughtfulness was going to make me cry like a baby. And we both know that men mustn't be allowed cry on the phone. Its a rule...I saw it written down somewhere.

You've told me a lot about your father, but will you tell me more about your mother when you get a chance? I would really like to know more about her. I understand your loss more clearly now. And if I haven't said it before, let me tell you now that I love both of you (You and mom) and I'm proud to be part of your family.

Feeling Better

I managed to get a good night's sleep finally. But perhaps too much. I've been groggy most of the morning.

I've been having these memory flashes all day since I woke up. Things that remind me of mom.

Some of the memories make me smile. Like the time she had just won a wad of cash from a casino in Reno and I made her pose at the back door for a photo with the cash. She was on the top of the world whenever she "got back her money" from Reno. That was a happy day.

Some other 'snaps' make me tear up a bit. Like when she discovered her beloved cat, "Bay-boo-baby" (mom's pet-naming conventions were a bit wierd to say the least) was laying in her shower, curled up and dying. Mom wept a lot that day. Not a good day. I was glad I was with her to help her through it.

Do you suppose that all the cats and dogs she loved and cared for are with her now? Nikita, Mama, Papa, the three Wiki-Wakis (one of which learned to pee on the toilet, to my mom's delight!), Felix, Sam, 2001, TLC, Blackie, Bay-boo-baby, Bon-Bon, Chi-chi and the dozens I've forgotten...wow! Mom's love was inexhaustable.

I think its living in her home that is giving me these flashes. There isn't a corner where a memory dosen't exist. Almost as if the house itself was remembering mom.

Yes. Today is a better day.

The Next Day

Its early evening. I see on my cell that my bro Al tried to call earlier this afternoon. He's probably wanting to know how I'm doing. He's a good guy, and I love him. It's late where he is so I'll call him tomorrow, if he's not flying somewhere. Mom was really proud of Al. We all are. I'll call Bob and Bill too, I want to know how they're doing. They've lost two mothers. First B.J. and now mom. This can't be easy for either of them.

Laura and I didn't sleep well last night. I kept thinking of mom's last moments. It must have been hard for her. But she was so tired. Tired and fed up with her pain. The only thing about mom's last moments that bothered me, was that she might have been alone. Of all the things that could happen, I just didn't want her to be alone. But, she wasn't. Barb said that there were staff from the rest home all around her when she passed. They are all very kind people in that rest home. I'm sure that they held her hand and talked to her. I hope they told her how much she was loved by us all. Thank God mom didn't go through that alone. Thank you, God.

I've been thinking about how things played out this last week before mom passed. We're a one car family right now, so I have had to wait until the evenings or the weekends to go visit mom. So this last week played out like this:

This last Sunday, Laura, Beth, Popoki (Mom's cat) and I visited her. We had a great visit. Mom was quiet, but interjecting comment when she wanted to say something. Before I left, I put my arms around her, kissed her and whispered a couple of 'I love you's in her ear. I heard a quiet, "I love you, too" from her.

I tried calling mom on Monday, but she never answered. On Tuesday I planned to go with Greg Wednesday afternoon and kept trying to get mom's good friend Lorraine on the phone. Lorraine has been gone for months and mom missed her something awful. When I finally got her on the phone Wednesday morning, I asked her to come with us and she did. Mom has been asking to see her, and Lorraine's car has been down so she hadn't made it over to see mom yet.

When we got there, mom was crying in pain. She could barely acknowledge that her friend Lorraine was there beside her. We got her some pain meds and they rearranged her legs and her pain eased, thankfully. She was too weak and bleary from the meds to enter the conversation, but she listened and did a "yes" or "no" when we asked her something. Mostly, Lorraine, Greg and I just talked about things. We were there for just under three hours, but before we left, mom fought very hard to say simply, "I'm sorry about your boy" to Lorraine. (One of Lorraine's sons passed away recently). When mom said it, there were spontaineous tears. That was a powerful moment.

After our visit, Greg and Lorraine had said their goodbyes and were heading to the door. I was trying to put things within mom's reach so that she could get them: Water, cell phone, TV remote. It was clear that she didn't want any of that stuff and before I left, I gave her a hug and a kiss and whispered, "I love you" to her. She forced an "I love you too". It was hard for her to speak at all but she made the effort to tell me that she loved me too. Thank you, mom, for trying so hard to tell me you love me. It means everything to me.

As I walked away, I looked back and she had an unusual look in her eyes. I think she knew what I didn't know. She knew she wouldn't see me again. I, ever the optimist, always believed there would be at least 'one more visit'. I think mom knew. Her look so unnerved me, that I left without my jacket, my wallet and house keys. I didn't even realize it until someone from the rest home called me that evening to tell me I'd left them there.

That evening after the visit, I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about how mom was doing. I woke up every couple of hours and at 4:30am I woke up for good. I got the word mom had passed at 10am.

Yesterday Is Gone

My mother, Ida Mae, died yesterday morning around 10am Pacific Standard Time in Sonoma, California. She leaves behind her daughter Barbara, her sons Ray, Bob, Alan and myself. She would also want me to include her two cats Popoki (The Hawaiian word for cat) and a slightly schizophrenic Siamese cat named (inappropriately) Angel.

Only one thing is clear to me right now; I'm tired from the stress of losing her yesterday and would give a lot just to have a few more words with her.

Blogs are usually a method to self-publish, lash out, pontificate or generally hob-nob with fellow wizards. This blog will help me get through my grief. And, hopefully, as time goes on and I stop feeling like I've been kicked in the head, I'd like this blog to tell the story of a beautiful woman who touched more souls than she will ever know.

Mom, you've left the planet, but I'm still talkin' to you and I truly believe you can hear me. Mom, come by once in awhile and look over this blog and read what I have to say about you. I love you and miss you; there's so much I wanted to say to you before you left. What I didn't get to say will be said right here in this blog. I'll welcome comments from all Earth-bound souls. You can comment too mom, but if you do, be aware that it will really freak me out.

I'll post pictures when I have them. Right now I can't find my son's scanner and frankly, I'm too damn frazzled and tired to put up much of a search for it.